Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. All I have to do is make sweet potatoes which I'm mixing with yams. Are they different? I was going to use a Guy Fieri recipe using only 3 ingredients: sweet potatoes, cream and chipotle pepper puree, but saw another one on the CSA letter that sounded healthier and tasty, too. I cut up the garlic, ginger, scallions and little onions tonight. I'm scared that i'll burn my hands cutting the jalapenos so I'm skipping those. Bryan says he won't notice and it's not worth the risk. Last time I cut the jalapenos I didn't know to wear gloves and my hands were on fire for hours, all through the night. I had to get up to take ibuprofen and I wore cold packs on my hands while I slept.

My little girls are doing so well. I love them so much. Sarah still isn't talking very much but she is so close to me and we are in sync. I'm never far away from her for very long and she knows I'll be back for her. I feel like with Anna, I lost Anna's trust by going away to work for so long. I left her too long, too early. I wanted to believe that she was having a good time at daycare, but I always had this sinking, panicky feeling in my stomach that I was leaving my baby and it felt horrible. I'd practically race to her at the end of every day. I couldn't wait to see her. I wanted to hold her, cuddle her, give her kisses. I couldn't wait to nurse her. I hated pumping in that little room when I could've been nursing her. None of it made any sense. Why did I go back to work? I regret my decision even now. Because I see what I missed everyday when I am with Sarah. At this point, Sarah is older then Anna was when I quit work, I think. My last day of work was December 31, 2011. Anna was 15 1/2 months when I quit. Sarah is now almost 17 months old. But then, even when I quit Blackrock, I still put Anna in school at North Queen Anne Childcare 3 days a week. I loved the community there. I received so much parenting support. I loved going back to school and doing the crisis clinic training. I am so glad I did those things, but I am sad if I missed out with Anna. Because she was only there 3 days a week, and I had leisurely mornings with her, and picked her up earlier, usually, it didn't feel awful to me to bring her there.

I am actually not sure if I could've made the transition from full time work and basically full time childcare, to no childcare whatsoever. Being a parent is so hard. I was a new parent, whether I realized it or not. The demands of raising a little one are intense. I think I was scared. What would we do all day? I needed some self care after the life sucking experience of working for Blackrock. I do think it helped make me a better parent, those classes, that time, to be renewed, refreshed, revitalized.

And then, to realize I was pregnant! I was so tired. It was a lot for me. I could've done it, yes, but it would've been very hard.

Oh Lord, will I ever forgive myself for going back to work after Anna was born? I love my little girl so, so much. She is my little sweetie. We have so much fun now. To think, now she is only in pre-school 2 hours away from me. I get to be with her at her pre-school. I get to know the other parents in a much more meaningful way. I get to know her teacher in a very meaningful way. I love our routine now. I love that Anna and Sarah spend so much time together. I think that is a big reason why I pulled Anna out of NQACC even though I loved the community there. I just thought Anna and Sarah need to grow up together and Anna being at school 3 days a week is sad - we miss her. We want to be with her.

Lord, there is so much messiness going on with my family right now. Why has Lisa been the way she's been? Will we ever have reconciliation in our family? What will tomorrow be like? I'm scared, not of what other people will be like, but of how I will treat other people. Will I be defensive, confrontational, evasive? Will I hide? I don't even know what I will do.

I do love Refresh. I do love praying for other women, and I loved studying the idea of being intentional about gratitude. The funny thing is how far I am about being intentional about being grateful. It is hard, leading a Bible study. I like to just show up and offer what I can, without any pressure. When I was leading, I wasn't participating in the reflection times. My mind was racing about what I'd just said and heard.

I wonder if that is why I never feel totally relaxed, because I don't have any external pressure to do anything. Anna is the only "demanding" one in my life, and her demands are so simple. I don't feel the pressure of the world. It's like I'm a kid again, and I am afraid I'm turning into my mom. I don't get up before the girls. I feel lazy much of the time - but I think it's not laziness so much as decision fatigue. How should I be spending my time? Should I pray for Refresh? Should I do research for the Permaculture Design Course? Should I cook? Should i clean? Should I research kid activities? Should I be doing something for the co-op preschool?

11pm. Time to tidy up the kitchen and get ready for tomorrow. We're doing a 5k. I'll push the girls. I love them SO much Lord. Could I be any luckier then to get to spend my days with them?