Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. All I have to do is make sweet potatoes which I'm mixing with yams. Are they different? I was going to use a Guy Fieri recipe using only 3 ingredients: sweet potatoes, cream and chipotle pepper puree, but saw another one on the CSA letter that sounded healthier and tasty, too. I cut up the garlic, ginger, scallions and little onions tonight. I'm scared that i'll burn my hands cutting the jalapenos so I'm skipping those. Bryan says he won't notice and it's not worth the risk. Last time I cut the jalapenos I didn't know to wear gloves and my hands were on fire for hours, all through the night. I had to get up to take ibuprofen and I wore cold packs on my hands while I slept.

My little girls are doing so well. I love them so much. Sarah still isn't talking very much but she is so close to me and we are in sync. I'm never far away from her for very long and she knows I'll be back for her. I feel like with Anna, I lost Anna's trust by going away to work for so long. I left her too long, too early. I wanted to believe that she was having a good time at daycare, but I always had this sinking, panicky feeling in my stomach that I was leaving my baby and it felt horrible. I'd practically race to her at the end of every day. I couldn't wait to see her. I wanted to hold her, cuddle her, give her kisses. I couldn't wait to nurse her. I hated pumping in that little room when I could've been nursing her. None of it made any sense. Why did I go back to work? I regret my decision even now. Because I see what I missed everyday when I am with Sarah. At this point, Sarah is older then Anna was when I quit work, I think. My last day of work was December 31, 2011. Anna was 15 1/2 months when I quit. Sarah is now almost 17 months old. But then, even when I quit Blackrock, I still put Anna in school at North Queen Anne Childcare 3 days a week. I loved the community there. I received so much parenting support. I loved going back to school and doing the crisis clinic training. I am so glad I did those things, but I am sad if I missed out with Anna. Because she was only there 3 days a week, and I had leisurely mornings with her, and picked her up earlier, usually, it didn't feel awful to me to bring her there.

I am actually not sure if I could've made the transition from full time work and basically full time childcare, to no childcare whatsoever. Being a parent is so hard. I was a new parent, whether I realized it or not. The demands of raising a little one are intense. I think I was scared. What would we do all day? I needed some self care after the life sucking experience of working for Blackrock. I do think it helped make me a better parent, those classes, that time, to be renewed, refreshed, revitalized.

And then, to realize I was pregnant! I was so tired. It was a lot for me. I could've done it, yes, but it would've been very hard.

Oh Lord, will I ever forgive myself for going back to work after Anna was born? I love my little girl so, so much. She is my little sweetie. We have so much fun now. To think, now she is only in pre-school 2 hours away from me. I get to be with her at her pre-school. I get to know the other parents in a much more meaningful way. I get to know her teacher in a very meaningful way. I love our routine now. I love that Anna and Sarah spend so much time together. I think that is a big reason why I pulled Anna out of NQACC even though I loved the community there. I just thought Anna and Sarah need to grow up together and Anna being at school 3 days a week is sad - we miss her. We want to be with her.

Lord, there is so much messiness going on with my family right now. Why has Lisa been the way she's been? Will we ever have reconciliation in our family? What will tomorrow be like? I'm scared, not of what other people will be like, but of how I will treat other people. Will I be defensive, confrontational, evasive? Will I hide? I don't even know what I will do.

I do love Refresh. I do love praying for other women, and I loved studying the idea of being intentional about gratitude. The funny thing is how far I am about being intentional about being grateful. It is hard, leading a Bible study. I like to just show up and offer what I can, without any pressure. When I was leading, I wasn't participating in the reflection times. My mind was racing about what I'd just said and heard.

I wonder if that is why I never feel totally relaxed, because I don't have any external pressure to do anything. Anna is the only "demanding" one in my life, and her demands are so simple. I don't feel the pressure of the world. It's like I'm a kid again, and I am afraid I'm turning into my mom. I don't get up before the girls. I feel lazy much of the time - but I think it's not laziness so much as decision fatigue. How should I be spending my time? Should I pray for Refresh? Should I do research for the Permaculture Design Course? Should I cook? Should i clean? Should I research kid activities? Should I be doing something for the co-op preschool?

11pm. Time to tidy up the kitchen and get ready for tomorrow. We're doing a 5k. I'll push the girls. I love them SO much Lord. Could I be any luckier then to get to spend my days with them?

October 6, 2013

I really want to be able to sit on a comfy couch with Anna and Sarah someday, and read this blog.  I want to remember these days. They are so cute. I love watching Sarah waddle. I love watching Anna dance and sing and run. How am I ever going to remember all of this? It is too much. I'm overwhelmed with goodness.

What are we up to tomorrow, Monday, October 7th, 2013?

Well, we have to get out of the house, girls! We're painting your bedrooms, or what Bryan and I hope will someday be your bedrooms, tomorrow.

We were going to go to Whidbey Island and visit Brooke, Bella and Annie Stout, but Bella has a stomach virus so we need to stay away. We'll visit them in two weeks. But, tomorrow, what we'll do is anyone's guess.

Tonight, I'll pray about it, ponder different options.

I've had a lingering sense that we're meant to explore our neighborhood more. Go on foot. Stay out of the car. I want to pay attention to the neighbors. I want to visit local parks. I want to get to know the people on our street.

Our new neighborhood is lovely. It is not gritty or dirty or sketchy. Why am I missing those things? Why am I missing sketchiness and weirdness, randomness and dirt?  Every one seems to be doing well here. Every one is pleasant. Happy, nice. I used to get anxious that our neighborhood wasn't safe, stable, clean or pleasant. Now, I feel lonely and isolated. No one wants to be our friend in our new neighborhood because they already have everything they need.

I know that's not true, so I need to pray. The Lord gave us this house for a reason. Our 9th offer. At asking price. No other offers but ours. Lord, please give me patience to love my neighborhood and most of all, my neighbors. Let me be intentional about relationships and getting to know them. Let us dig in to this neighborhood, without fleeing to the familiar all the time. Without fleeing to the exciting and new. Let's be bored. Let's have lazy, unstructured afternoons. Let's get in sibling arguments and make a mess. Let's play dress up and make believe. Wouldn't it be nice to have friends in the neighborhood we could invite over to make a mess with us? There's little Emily on the corner, Will & Charlotte across the street. Their moms are so nice. Carolyn, across the street, wants to have play dates but I haven't seen her. I need her phone number so I can text her, to see when would be a good time. Our afternoons are always free. Sarah naps, Anna watches a movie, and I take a deep breath after our busy mornings.

Oh, our mornings! What have I gotten us into. It started with just MOPS on Tuesdays. I think the girls have an okay time, but that feels like it's mostly for me. I love eating, sitting, listening and being ministered to. Then I signed Anna up for Gymnastics on Wednesdays. Only 45 minutes though. Sarah needed something so she is going to Friday co-op preschool from 8:30am - 9:45am in Magnolia, because they had room and there is a play room for Anna while I'm with Sarah in her classroom.

Then...Anna got off the wait-list for the Magnolia Co-op, a W,TH,F class from 9:15 - 11:15. Well, there goes our week. Except for Mondays. Mondays are the only variable. Anna and I just finished up our Farmer Jayne Little Farmers class at Kelsey Creek Farm Park in Bellevue. My mom watched Sarah and loved having time with her. So, we may continue to go to Bellevue on Mondays, or we'll keep that day open for things like visiting Brooke on Whidbey or seeing Nicole, Lachlan and Ryan.

I met with Angela today about co-leading Refresh, the MOPS Bible Study at University Presbyterian Church.  I know Refresh will be the best thing about my Fall. The Lord has some deep things to do in our lives if we'll surrender.

Which brings me, I need to sign off and go pray. I need to remember who is my Master. Not stress, not this house, not the lack of heat, not food. It is Jesus, who loves me and wants to talk to me tonight. Why do I avoid Him? Please have mercy on me, Lord.